Weekly Blog 5_Lunkun Deng

Ever since I came to Drexel, I found my personal abilities had been reduced to nothing but math. I used to be a bad student in math. But now I’m looking forward to math class most. In math class, I even don’t need to study very hard. Sometimes what I do in class is staring out the window and having daydream. But I did incredibly well on quizzes and exams. I think I do excellently in Math here because my current math class covers almost the same issues as I had in high school in China. (Monica, my close friend from China.)



This is part of my friend’s essay, which describes her first month of college life. By reading this paragraph, we can know what happened to her in the past few weeks. Referring to Williams’ Style, just as there are some well-written points, there are some sentences and structures needing improve.

First, in regards of “Style”, sometimes my friends begin a sentence with the word “But”. We should try to avoid this.

Then, in regards of “Action”, a nominalization occurs in the fifth sentence, “Sometimes what I do in class is staring out the window and having daydream.” We can directly turn the noun “staring” into a powerful “Action”, a verb.

Third, in regards of “Character”, my friend uses the passive voice in the first sentence, “my personal abilities had been reduced”. This pattern makes the statement unclear and less powerful. Yet the sentence doesn’t meet the needs of the situations that William states in Style, such as replacing a long subject with a short one. So it’s better not to use passive voice here.

Last but not least, in regards of “Coherence”, my friend can make the paragraph more fluent if she changes the subject in some sentences. For instance, the sentence “the Sometimes what I do in class is staring out the window and having daydream.” begins with a NEW subject, rather than a subject we are familiar with.

Beside these points above, if we revise the paragraph in terms such as “Logic” and “word choice”, the readers will better understand what the writer is talking about.



When I started my college life at Drexel, I found my personal abilities became rather poor except math. I used to be so backwards a student in math, but now I’m looking forward to math class most. In math class, I even don’t need to study very hard. Sometimes I would apologize for that I occasionally stared out the window with daydreams in class. However, I did incredibly well on quizzes and exams. The reason for my highly performance in Math here may be that the math classes I had at high school in China cover almost the same issues as my current classes.